Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for
I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain
attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or
any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough
for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there
is no comparison.
I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless
having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil"
and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize
this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial
My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at
I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sensual advances. If
he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead,
I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as
he exits the fortress.
Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I
want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If
it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the
I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate
weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private
chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will,
in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behavior
at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases
the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing
the surprise factor when I ditch the pretenses and get really vicious.
I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual,
especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless
and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant
my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I
will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind
as I destroy him.
If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this
fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses
and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity
to be revealed.
If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer
of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal
results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration
of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.
I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy
would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose.
I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional
My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and
ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate
escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for
those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own
I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just
as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or
catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison
be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice
pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armor, rather than three small triangles
of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the
Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when
closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied
their quivers from 200 yards away.
I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall.
Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable
by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with
the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from
The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them
the least bothersome tactic.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take
the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people
with my kindness.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first
order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must
already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the
Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my
If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for
ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists
and the brains to listen to them.
I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter
how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my
Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days
without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring
suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest
gave them an unhappy childhood.
Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my
Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed
their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities
than having them plot my untimely demise.
If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as
opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love
and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding
romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic
action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts
within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide
another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to
I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet
Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it).
Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while
slowly reshaping her in my image.
However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at
one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them
and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter
his reputation with the ladies.
My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but
will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my
regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants
(just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my
boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
I will learn the various arts of self defense and not rely solely on muscular
minions to protect me.
The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength.
I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on
contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never
If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into
becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double.
Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold
chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line
of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If
the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more
secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.
Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my
orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides
no convienent handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally.
Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely
on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy
until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of
my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will
hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead
and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood;
or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices
1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by
the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com
(be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience
If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish
sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a
If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable
Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisers who might
have a Non-Evil twin.
Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or
incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats
they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction
as I would for a more classical Hero.
If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic
relative exists to turn him or her against me.
Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace
of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose
genetic roots intersect any known or suspected dieties should be kept at
arm's length (but within blaster range).
Allies need never see my command center or budoir. Almost any business
can be taken care of in a rented conference room.
I will not expose myself needlessly to potential personal security risks,
such as by shopping, or allowing my Beautiful but Innocent Daughter to shop at
the local Star Galleria Mall.¬Ý As Empress of all I Survey, the merchants will
come to me with their wares - after being throughly vetted by my Chief of Palace
Security (to prevent assassination attempts), and then by my household steward
(to avoid fashion disasters and poor quality goods) before being brought to my
attention for purchase.
I will not transform the rival/good sorceress and exile her to the back of
beyond. If she can't keep me from transforming her, she can't keep me from
No lingering curses or sleeping-forever potions for my rivals; Instant
Death is the least I can do.
If I can turn the Good Prince into a frog, I must also be able to turn him
into a centipede. The latter form is far better as any princess in her right mind
is unlikely to kiss a centipede. Also, centipedes are more easily squashed under my
Other Evil Advice
Notes regarding Ultimate Weapons/Spells
I will never attend an auction of an Ultimate Weapon. If it's truly as
good as advertised, the auctioneer would already be the Evil Overlord.
Any Ultimate Weapon that requires assembly of five components scattered
to the four corners of the earth can be made in my private laboratory with
three times the security in probably half the time.
Any Ultimate Weapon that was disassembled in the distant past and its components
scattered to nearly inaccessible niches across the globe could not have
been that great in the first place, or else it would never have been disassembled.
If my Ultimate Incantation or Supreme Summoning leaves me weak and vulnerable
from the expenditure of energy, I will only undertake it deep in the center
of my fortress, and get plenty of sleep before applying the results.
There is a reason why the spell book of the last Evil Empress is available
to me. If I came into possession of it through any means that involved
defeat of its power, I will use it as a doorstop only.
Instead of going through the trouble and risk of stealing a 200 MT nuclear
device and ransoming a city for the billions of dollars I'll need for my
Ultimate Diabolical Plan, I'll simply open a evangelical tele-ministry.
That way I also get a bonus Fanatic Legion that will obey my every command,
should I ever need such a a thing.
If I come into possession of, or manage to assemble the Ultimate Weapon,
I will immediately use it at full power in direct pursuit of my goal of
world domination. No warning shots across the bow, No "This is only a fraction
of my weapon's potential!" grandstanding. I will also refrain from using
the Ultimate Weapon for simply offing the Hero. If it's really the UW,
the Hero's efforts will come to naught anyway.
No Ultimate Incantation that requires sacrifice of a Virgin is worth the
trouble of a) securing such a rarity and b) relying on a quality that is
so easily cured by an amorous Hero or Heroine in less than a minute of
If my superweapon can be controlled by computers or other electronic/electrical
means, then there is no need for there to be only one set of controls right
next to the main power source. A fake set, directly connected to a multi-amp
circuit, will occupy this location.
While it may be tempting to use an Ultmate Weapon or Spell with a rare,
almost impossible to exploit, Tiny Flaw to accomplish my goals, if many
Penultimate Weapons or Spells with no such flaw can achieve the same effect,
I will employ them instead.
I will not use area-effect, mind-altering spells as a long term solution
to civil unrest. a) They wear off, or eventually the subjects gain or breed
immunity, and the population I made to love me will grow to hate me. b)
Outsiders not falling to the initial spell will quickly become suspicious
at my subjects' mindless happiness and obeisance, and try to do something
Notes on Fortress Construction
If I ever have real reason to install any type of self-destruct mechanism,
it will only be triggerable at the heart of the device/ship/fortress and
it will implode from the outside rather than explode from the inside.
My Command Center will have a heavily guarded room at the bottom of a 100
story subterranean shaft that will contain a sophisticated bus-sized computer
with a fake encoded plan, no external link, and no real function whatsoever.
The real command center will be a satellite-linked laptop on a card-table
with a folding chair at the top of the elevator shaft, behind a door marked
'standpipe valves' accessible through the unlocked janitor's closet.
If at all possible, no exhaust ports will lead directly to the heart of
the reactor core. If that is unavoidable, all such exhaust ports will have
closeable reinforced blast doors every other level and alternate routes
of venting in case of emergency.
All my computer systems will have uninterruptable power supplies. All my
circuitry will use breakers or fuses of the appropriate tolerances.
It is never necessary to store explosive materials and/or fuel anywhere
near my central control or commuter complex. If for some reason such a
situation should come about, they will not be in the same room as the central
computer. They will be in a concrete bunker protected by blast doors and
fire prevention systems. The same goes for the vats of toxic waste, acids,
and super-cold liquids.
All non-instantaneous deathtraps (drowning pools, trash compactors, gas
chambers, etc.) in my Fortress will be isolated from the communications
and power grids.
I must assume that deathtrap manufacturers' brochures base their Estimated
Time to Kill (ETK) on tests using non-heroes (and moreover generally test
only the minimum ETK). Therefore, Heroes trapped in one of my non-instantaneous
deathtraps will remain there a minimum of several times longer than
its ETK, and even then will be treated as potentially dangerous until any
remains are incinerated.
All deathtraps will have only one way in or out -any way out leading to
an even more cunning deathtrap that works faster.
Notes on Alliances of Evil
I will never enter into an alliance I am not sure I can betray if I need
to. I will always assume my new allies have this same condition.
When it is time to unite all the diverse underworld organizations into
a single cohesive crime syndicate, the meeting with all my fellow under-bosses
will not feature the elimination of the vociferous objectors and intimidation
of the rest. It will feature the deputization of the most powerful that
I can control easily and the elimination of the rest
Gender Non-specific Evil Miscellany or
Good Advice for the Evil at Heart
My planned assault on the rebel base will take place after my assault
on the rebel base.
If my objective is world domination, I will not be tempted by tantalizing
opportunities for absolute power, which invariably backfire. If my objective
is absolute power, I will consider settling for world domination.
If I can't execute the Hero immediately, I can take the time to completely
- and I mean no finger, toe, or tongue wiggling - immobilize him.
One of my close advisers will be a prolific hack novelist. If my plan matches
or mimics any of his plots, it will be summarily rejected.
I've murdered tens of thousands in cold blood. If I can't ice the sad-eyed
puppy too, I don't deserve the job.
If a messenger interrupts me during a meal, meeting, bath, or romantic
encounter, I will first assume he has a real, urgent reason for doing so.
He'll be executed only if the interruption was indeed pointless.
If I must fight hand to hand, no matter how I outclass my opponent in skill
and finesse, I will fight dirty and get the job done as quickly as possible.
Total commitment is essential: if I discover that I have not truly and
completely gone over to the Dark Side, I will immediately cease all world-domination
efforts until that last morsel of Goodness can be expunged.
The "safety" switch on my personal blaster and laser sword will in fact
be a "reverse" or "overload" switch.
If I cannot take the time to create and remember a nonsensical 12 digit
password with numbers, symbols, and alternate cases, I might well
keep my Ultimate Plan in an ASCII file on my desktop.
Any captured-and-released or -escaped Hero will have numerous tracking
devices of several levels of detectability installed in his effects, vehicles,
and person, at least one of which will have been ingested with his last
food or drink. Even so, I will never fail to put up a serious effort to
track or intercept him by other means as well.
If my Evil Offspring is corrupted by the forces of Good, I will not try
to attempt to bring him back to the Dark Side. I will give him up as a
lost cause, eliminate him if he goes against me, and find a suitable Evil
protégé somewhere else.
I will exploit my subjects, but not to the point of destitution, decrepitude,
or desperation. I'm Evil, not Stupid.
If I need to detain the Hero for more than two minutes, he will be summarily
strip-searched, relieved of all personal effects and clothing (especially
belts, vests, random jewelry, and shoes) and given the regulation blaze
orange disposable prisoner jumpsuit to wear. The Hero's effects will be
carefully analyzed and items such as ring-lasers, belt communicators etc.
will be destroyed or deactivated, booby trapped, or otherwise compromised
if they are to be returned.
If reputable prophecy dictates I will be defeated/killed by a certain person
or event, I will not waste time trying to eliminate him or prevent it.
I will enjoy my power for all its worth, as long as I can, meanwhile devoting
reasonable energies in a search for new prophecies that will get me out
of the first one.
I will always keep a few Useless but Loyal Advisers on the payroll and
in proximity to both help my enemies underestimate me and provide a few
extra bodies between the enemy and myself should my defenses be penetrated.
Mind-controlled or love-potioned subjects will be left enough free will
that they do not have to be specifically ordered to perform useful actions
such as enabling my escape, administering medical help, or otherwise coming
to my aid.
My Secret Police will be instructed to concentrate on Genuine Threats To
My Reign. They do not need to waste time and resources investigating/persecuting
every last disgruntled peasant, unless it's a slow day and there's really
nothing else for them to do.
Instead of killing, imprisoning, or brainwiping the witnesses to my mistakes,
I will instead apply equivalent, if not greater effort toward avoiding
In the event of failure, I will consider the possibility that my enemies
are proficient and intelligent before assuming incompetence or betrayal
on the part of my advisers.
If there is any doubt about whether or not my enemies know something, I
will act on the assumption that they do know. Unless it is important to
my plans that they know, in which case I will make sure the information
is leaked to them from an unimpeachable source.
I will encourage general promiscuity, restrict access to birth control,
and provide the best in STD research/prevention and pre-and post-natal
care. The resultant population will be more satisfied and complacent, and
will fuel my war machines, production, dressmaking, and general fun.
Tips for Evil Geniuses and Scientists or
How not to be a Deranged Evil Genius or Mad Scientist
I will not experiment on myself.
I will not transplant my mind into the Hero's brain when my test monkey
is still in the laboratory.
None of my super-weapons will have a "reverse" switch.
My secret lab/lair will have excellent ventilation, automatic sprinklers,
and Halon extinguishers handy at every bench.
My glass flask holders, test tube racks, and Bunsen-burner heated apparati
will be anchored to the floor or wall, not balanced precariously on a wobbly
Any ability enhancing formula that has potential degenerative or addictive
effects may be suitable to use on the Controlled Masses, but not on myself.
My high-energy sealed test chamber will only be activatable from the outside
by the combination of my hand and retinal print. If someone has relieved
me of my hand and eye to get them, I'd rather be dead anyway.
If I can splice genes to create a 60 meter long killer cockroach, I can
also insert in said creation a susceptibility to my custom formula of Raid,
which I can carry in a convenient key chain mace canister.
Experimental monster creations will not only have one immediately lethal
vulnerability only I can exploit, but until my Diabolical Plan is ready
to implement, they will also have an addiction to a material only I can
supply, without which they will die in a day or two.
I will always have an open airplane ticket to New Zealand on hand in case
my current project escapes my laboratory, starts mutating beyond control,
or starts talking back to me in a belligerent fashion.
I will personally select the brain to be used in my life-creation experiment.
If I need one liter of my secret formula to implement my Diabolical Plan,
I will produce ten liters and store the other nine safely in different
I will always carry the antidote on my person. But it will be in a vial
marked 'poison reserve.' The poison reserve will be in the vial marked
If I am working on an optical mind control device, I will remove all extraneous
mirrors from the lab and wear polarized contact lenses at all times.
I will test the strength, power, and weaknesses of all monsters I create.
Better to pull back and send two monsters next time than lose one
due to simple poor planning.
Experiments requiring a human test subject shall be performed on kidnapped
anti-social bums who live alone in large cities, not someone who people
will notice the disappearance of, like a female student at the local high
If I really must have a teenage girl to perform my experiments on for some
reason, I will not choose the buxom cheerleader whose courageous and handsome
boyfriend is captain of the football team. Instead, I will choose the mousy
quiet girl whose only likely boyfriend is the nervous head of the Dungeons
and Dragons club, who I can probably co-opt if I need to.
I will remember that any robot/device/mental power that can be remotely
controlled from ten feet can, with sufficient preparation, effort, and/or
energy, be remotely controlled from 100 miles or more.
Feeding of Ravenous Caged Beasts will be taken care of my redundant, automatic
Beast Feeders or, if the compound is well sealed by me, extraneous underlings.
No underling (especially one with a girlfriend to impress) will ever be
given the keys to the cages.
My Android Armies will be capable of independent action not rely on a central
brain for coordination. Further, they will have logic-loop rejection procedures
to prevent paralysis by "Everything I say is a lie" type statements.
If I have underlings who follow orders literally (AI or robotic guardians,
brainwashed minions, etc.), I will make their orders as clear and specific
as possible. I will specify IN ADVANCE that orders such as "Kill
everyone in this room!" or "Allow no one to enter or leave!" automatically
include the proviso "Except for me." Also, they will be directed
to ignore orders that would harm me. It would be undignified to die
because I got frustrated and sarcastically said "Kill me now!"
After unleashing the computer virus which will initiate my Diabolic Plan
and bring about the downfall of the free world I will ensure that the original
copy of the virus is deleted from my hard drive, and destroy all hard copy
notes on the construction of said virus.
Advice for Alien Invaders and Monsters on
Inoculate before invasion.
Don't terrorize around nuclear power stations.
No matter how pretty the girl, leave her alone. Almost guaranteed
your anatomies, much less your biologies are not compatible.
If your planet desperately needs women, chances are you can get them without
invasion by simply offering job and pay equity.
Don't route all power through the Mothership.
Don't climb tall buildings to evade capture unless you can fly from the
Don't lay your eggs in a major metropolitan subway system or stadium. Find
a nice secluded cave.
If you can outbreed your enemies, don't go for the brute force takeover.
Conduct all planning sessions in your own planet's tongue. A group
of non-humans speaking English are just asking for intelligence intercepts.
Eat the prisoners. It solves many later problems before they crop
up. If you CAN'T eat the prisoners, why are you invading?
The pre-invasion scouting efforts should include time spent at a regional
office of Greenpeace. Examine the list of life forms COMPLETELY WIPED OUT
by the locals. If any resemble your forces, especially the warrior
caste, pick another planet.
Invade a kindergarten first. If you can't handle the house-apes,
you have no business invading the planet.
If you can't breathe the air, or if the planet is 3/4 covered with substance poisonous
to you that also occasionally rains from the sky, pick another planet.
A large enough group of human prisoners will invariably contain one person
willing to sell out his own mother to survive the invasion. AND/OR one
person willing to sacrifice his mother to trick you into trusting him until
it is too late. If your technology or internal politics cannot easily
deal with this problem, pick another planet. (Or eat the prisoners,
Ripley's Law: Orbital Bombardment is the only way to solve problems on
the ground with absolute certainty.
Corollary: Tactical Orbital Bombardment can eliminate native forces just as
effectively as your best Lancers/mutant minions.
If it is absolutely neccessary to launch a ground invasion, a large enough
descent vehicle can retrofit population centers and military bases into
excellent LZ's as easily as abandoned stretches of desert or forest.
If you can hide your fleet's apprach, do so. Many militaries have been mobilized
because of the phrase, "that's not a star..."
Encrypted communication is good.
Superior force is better.
Overwhelming force is best- it obviates the need for encrypted communication, but:
The Council of Moderately Trusted Advisers
The following Council Members have provided Valuable Contributions to
the Evil Empress and associated lists. E-mail addresses are now withheld
after revelation the SPAM Emperor's Evil Plot.
Vesta Antonia Aurelia
H. Torrance Griffin
H.E. Special Invasion Adviser Missiletowe
Bernadette Crumb (rowanrhys)